Broken, Beaten, Defeated

Broken, beaten and defeated pretty much sum up how I feel today. I have cried 4 times already today and I hope that I am done. Today, the boys should have been 5 months old...5 months, I really can't believe that it has been that long. It is so hard to put the we should have been doing this with our boys out of our minds and hearts. It is hard to change that way of thinking...

I went to the cemetery today and of course it rained...fitting for today. I got a letter in the mail yesterday from the fertility clinic asking the outcome of my pregnancy...fitting for this week. So, I had to send back all the "details" of what happened. I got a coupon for Enfamil formula on Tuesday, at least it was just a coupon instead of like when they sent me formula a few months back. Nothing like opening the door to receive a package for the babies you don't have... fitting for this week. I got the bill from the cemetery for the boys marker...again, fitting for this week. I guess when it rains it really does pour...

When I went to the cemetery today, I was hoping for a sense of peace. Today was not that day. Today, I felt agony and dispare over the loss of Declan and Lucas. Today, when I gave them their toy trucks and Pooh stuffed animals, I cried tears of utter disbelief and sadness. Today, when I posted the letter I wrote to them, I didn't read it out loud because I just couldn't find my voice. Today is just hard and yet, I pretend to be okay because that is what my family needs. They need me to be okay for them even on the days that I long for nothing but the boys. Today, I force the smile and talk politely even when I want to scream and yell that I don't care what anyone really has to say today. Today, 5 months ago my sons were born..Tomorrow, Declan dies and Sunday, Lucas dies and I live it over and over and over again each month. Today, I am broken, beaten and defeated...I am so angry with God and again, here come the tears.

Dear Declan and Lucas,
It is hard to believe that 5 months ago, I was in the hospital fighting to hold on to you and keep you safe. Little did I know that a little after 9:00pm, you would be brought into this world regardless of the fact that neither the both of you nor myself wanted that to happen. I often think what if I just would have refused, would it have made a difference had you stayed for another day or two. I want to know why after 3 weeks of fighting for you, did I have to get sick…why then, why not allow me to carry you longer, to really give you a chance? I have all of these whys in my head and I just wish that I could understand the purpose of this journey…of your short lives? As the days continue on, the questions become more consuming, I want answers…I want there to be a purpose to all of this pain and grief. I don’t want for your deaths to be in vain, I want there to be a reason…why us, why you, why not someone else? How horrible of me to say that, I wouldn’t wish this on anybody but at the same time I don’t want to be here either.

I try to remember what that day was like, January 27, 2008. It is hard because I want so badly to remember everything and I get frustrated because I can’t. I remember that you, Declan, would just hang out kicking and sitting right on my bladder. I remember that you, Lucas, would sit under my ribs on the right side and then roll around under them. I remember how quickly everything happened once they decided you had to come out. I remember the fear and the agony of what was the right thing to do for you both. I remember the shock of them telling me that Declan was a boy because we didn’t know the sex of you. I remember the complete and utter shock of hearing Lucas cry because it never really occurred to me that this would happen or even be possible. I remember them not letting me see Declan at all and whisking you away before I even got to know what you looked like. I remember them letting me quickly see Lucas and you gave me a little wave before you left. I remember it taking hours and hours in recovery before they would let me see you both. I remember being taken in to the NICU and being so stunned at how perfect you were in every way. You were so beautiful, so perfect but so very very tiny. I remember touching you that first time and how warm you were. I remember asking you to fight. I remember telling you we would be back in the morning to see you and I remember not wanting to leave. I remember holding you the next day as you took your final breaths. I remember my heart actually breaking and then I remember feeling numb…These are just a few of the things that I remember…the hardest part is wishing that I had more memories. It is not a lot to share with people and I wish I had more of you to share with them. I wish I had you to share with them…

I hope that you both know how much you are missed each and everyday. I think about you everyday and you are the last thing along with Mackenzie that I think about before I go to sleep at night. I look for you in anything and everything around me. Hoping for a chance that you will leave me a clue that you were near by and I will continue to look for those clues for now and forever. I hope that you watch over our family, we have had a tough year and could use some love, hope, faith and a miracle or two… I love you both with all my heart.

Love with Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy